So... we had a baby! Zara Mackenzie Geddes was born on January 31st at 3:56PM after an amazing labor at the hospital. There are really no words to describe her - she is simply flawless.
I feel like I should write her birth story, and maybe I will in the future, but for now, the thought of trying to put into words the miracle of becoming a mother is just too overwhelming and personal. So for now, just some pictures and tender thoughts that have been on my mind.
Lately, I've had ample time to just think - not just thinking about to-do lists or schedules, but really pondering and letting myself become aware of the feelings of my soul. My mind has been contemplating just how delicate and precious life is. Once my angel-of-a mom left after Zara was born, I have been at home alone with Z while Jeff is at school or work. It's different. The past few years have been wonderfully chaotic, but chaotic nonetheless. I didn't know what it was like to be at home all day talking to someone who cannot communicate except through crying, or to not only have to worry about planning around my needs and wants. I didn't really know what to expect as a stay-at-home mom, who was done with college, giving my full attention to something so tiny. I heard lots of mixed advice and opinions on motherhood (mostly about full-time motherhood). Many would remark on how little sleep you get, or how your body will never be the same. Others told me to get in all the time I could with Jeff because my life would practically be over once the baby came.
Life is different. SO different. But let me tell you, it is good. SO good.
I'm still so new at this whole mom thing and have so much to learn, and days aren't always peachy, but I am certain of one thing: I have never felt so complete, happy, and capable of loving and being loved as I do now.
The other night as Zara began to stir in her bassinet, I waited in the dark silence for her sweet cry. I knew exactly what she was crying for- she was crying for me. Crying because she was hungry and knew I could make things better. The thought came to me, "This is what life is all about." I picked her up and fed her. I began rocking her back to sleep as her little hands graced my neck the way they always do when we snuggle. The sounds of approaching sleep now audible from her teeny lips. Her head burrowing in my chest. This IS what life is all about.
Our lives are so beautiful. So precious. Subject to be taken away in a flash. When my time is up here on Earth and I go to meet my grave, I hope that I can leave behind a legacy; not a legacy of beauty, charm, talent, fame, prestige, or wealth, but a legacy of things that leave permanent prints on society. I want to change lives through love, help build a future full of promise, lift heavy hearts and help mend broken spirits. I want my husband to be loved better by me more than anyone on earth possibly could be. I want to fill minds with knowledge and the power to impact the world for good and for right. I want to be a steadfast believer and a mover and shaker for God's kingdom. I never want a day to go by without my friends and family knowing that I love them. To me, this is what being a mom is all about. Changing little lives which morph into big lives, which then continue the cycle of leaving legacies. Legacies of love.
Most of the things many moms had warned me about are true. My body has changed. It was morphed for 9 months into a house to create and is now sustaining a living being more beautiful than I could have ever imagined. I am tired, and yet somehow I yearn to hear those perfect whimpers that remind me I am needed. Lastly, Jeff and I don't have time to do everything we used to because we are too busy making a lifelong best friend. A best friend who somehow has also transformed our love for each other to a whole new level. Sounds like a pretty good trade to me.
My life is not over. It is only just beginning.
XO,
Aurie
