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The past few days my heart has indeed been broken. And at moments I just want to check out of life for a while and not have to act happy, sing silly songs with zara, or let my heart be at peace. I sometimes am resistant to believe in Gods plan because it doesn't seem to make sense to me. I just want things to go back to the way there were. And then the words came to me yesterday in my mind and in my heart saying "Trust in the Lord with ALL thine heart and lean not unto thine own understanding. Acknowledge Him in all thy ways and He will direct thy paths" Proverbs 3:5-6
I've been pondering this scripture a lot and posted it on my front door so I could see it every time I had to go face the world again. I have come to realize that I don't really want things to go back to the way they were. I don't want my heart to be unbroken in the same way as before. I used to think that when Christ heals our hearts he is restoring them to what they were. But instead he leaves them better, more beautiful, bigger, and stronger. A heart can't ever grow if we try to push the broken pieces back together hoping they will somehow stay. We need some sort of glue that will add depth, breadth, and strength to that heart. And over time it continues to be broken and re-glued until it sparsely resembles what it once was, in the most perfect way possible. We have two choices in life- we can either take trials that break our hearts and try to mend them back in our own way OR we can allow our hearts to stay broken, and instead allow Christ's redeeming power to fill (or glue in this case) those cracks with love, glory, light, compassion, and enduring unshakable faith. I have only begun to feel this healing power working on my heart as I have turned my sorrow over to Him and still have a very long way to go.
This morning on the way home from the gym, I was in the car crying until I looked back at Zara and she smiled the cutest little grin I have ever seen. Immediately I felt so much light and hope through her. In that small moment I felt my sadness swallowed up in the joy of the miracle it is to be her mother. As we began singing and dancing to songs once we got home I realized once again just how wonderfully blessed I am. Even as I type this- she is screaming Mama from her crib because she just wants to get out and show me how much fun life can be😉. How grateful I am to have my sweet angel Zara, and my perfect Jeff who has been there for me through every step of my joys and sorrows. How much the Lord really has made such a grand life for me I could have never begun to imagine in the midst of certain trials. It may not always be in the ways we are searching for comfort but I truly believe these words spoken best by the Master himself:
"I will not leave you comfortless: I will come to you." (John 14:18)
"And whoso receiveth you, there I will be also, for I will go before your face. I will be on your right hand and on your left, and my Spirit shall be in your hearts, and mine angels round about you, to bear you up."(D&C 84:88)
He will bear us up. He will send heavenly help when needed, and He has never forgotten us.
